Yvette's Inner Geek Blog

I wanted to take a moment to address Beth’s comment/question from last week regarding how to deal with her daughter getting picked on at school (presumably for being a geek). Am I really a geek? Yes, ma’am, I believe I am. How did I deal with that at school?

Well, that’s not a question with a straightforward answer. First of all, getting picked on—and being called a geek, nerd, dork, or many of the other horrific things kids call one another—is part of a larger problem of bullying and social ostracization that runs rampant through schools and beyond. Geeks aren’t the only ones who are picked on by any means. Kids who are “different” in any way tend to suffer, and there is usually not an easy way to deal with the pain caused by anything from a day of not fitting in to being an outcast for years. But that’s not to say that they won’t eventually find a friend or a crowd that gets them. Which is what the growing geek subculture is all about.

Personally, my biggest school social challenges were in seventh and eighth grade at my small and somewhat-rural middle school. I was a good student who tended to be a teacher’s pet, which meant that I unintentionally rubbed a lot of kids the wrong way. Maybe I was precocious and annoying, maybe I had no fashion sense, maybe I was too chubby or clumsy or weird, maybe I tried too hard to fit in, maybe all of the above. Boys rarely talked to me, but I had a decent group of girlfriends in sixth grade—who suddenly started snubbing me in seventh grade for reasons still unknown. It was traumatic, to say the least. And then in eighth grade I developed a strong friendship with a different girl only to have her also suddenly turn on me by the end of the school year and take another of my precious few friends with her.

I don’t remember anyone calling me a geek specifically, but who knows what they whispered about me behind my back before I turned to see disgusted loathing in their eyes. I may not remember the exact words they used, but I remember those looks and how they much they hurt. After all, I didn’t know what I had done to deserve such outward hatred. The worst part about the kids who were truly mean to me was that they managed to convince our mutual friends to behave similarly. Why would they do that? Because those kids who followed didn’t want to be associated with the ostracized kids for fear of being ostracized themselves.

High school was much better for me for multiple reasons. I’d gone to a couple one and two-week summer camps in my early teen years that allowed for short, intense friendships with girls who were unbiased regarding my popularity status at home. Camp counselors tended to be college women who became my role models, and my overall self-confidence improved with these experiences away from home. In high school, I made friends with students from different grades who were in my mixed-age classes and extracurricular activites. I realized that, while I enjoyed playing on the volleyball team, I wasn’t that good and much preferred the social atmosphere of the school band and theater productions anyway. I even reestablished some friendships from middle school with some* of the girls who’d hurt me.

It took a long time for me to accept that I was never going to be one of the “popular kids.” I think that having such abrupt snubbing experiences, in addition to losing a lot of fashion and popularity contests, forced me to evaluate who I was and who I wanted to be. Did I really want to be friends with the kids who made fun of others? No, I did not. Was I proud of myself for who I was, despite what other kids thought or said about me? Yes, I was.

I focused on my goal of leaving my small town after high school. I tried to have fun along the way and not waste my time with jerks, and I tried to be a good friend to those who cared enough to accept and love me for who I am. That’s been a pretty good philosophy for me ever since. The cool thing about being a geek is that there is passion involved—whether it’s for programming languages, comic books, or dressing up in medieval garb. It’s just a matter of finding people who share your passion and have complementary personalities.

Now, Beth, you haven’t given me any details about your daughter, but be aware that there could be other reasons that your daughter is being picked on at school. Things like autism and Asperger’s syndrome can interfere with a person’s intrinsic understanding of social and/or emotional situations, and those are not uncommon afflictions in the world of self-proclaimed geeks. But they don’t necessarily mean that one wants to be called a geek.

Kids are cruel. Do they tell her why they’re picking on her? Is it her level of intelligence, athletic skill, a physical attribute or ethnicity? Is your daughter having a difficult time fitting in, or is she really being bullied? If she’s coming home from school frustrated, depressed, or even terrified on a regular basis, you need to find out more about what’s going on at school. Start with the school counselor, if that’s an option, and take her for outside counseling if she continues having problems. (At the very least that can help identify or rule out any larger issues that may be contributing.)

There are a lot of books available on the subject of being the odd girl out (which, perhaps not surprisingly, was the title I chose for my editorial column in my college newspaper) and suffering through the modern social minefield of tween and teen girls. Here are some titles you might consider buying** or at least checking out from your local library:

Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls
Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and the New Realities of Girl World
The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence

Read those books with your daughter and open a dialogue. Identify her strengths and encourage her to develop her interests, because having self-confidence goes a long way. Give her your love and support in every way you can.

As an adult and self-proclaimed geek, I fully believe that it is more important to be an individual who stands for her own beliefs than to be liked. It took many years to figure out, and it’s not always the easiest path—and it definitely requires the support of people who love me unconditionally. But I guarantee you that I have a more fulfilling life than others whose biggest concern is how they’re perceived by others.

Please tell your daughter that she’s not alone. There’s a whole world of girls (and boys) who have been through similar crap and have gone on to become amazing, interesting people.

*I try not to hold grudges. If someone is mean to me, though, or goes out of their way to hurt me for no reason, then I don’t waste any effort on their behalf. There are enough awesome people in the world to negate the relevance of keeping mean people in my life.

**Links to amazon.com on my blog are affiliate links, which means that I will get a tiny kickback if you buy something (anything, I think) after clicking the link. I only link to books that are relevant to my subject, and I won’t be offended if you don’t click on them. I’ll just blog less because I can’t afford the extra electricity to keep my computer on… you know, not to guilt you into clicking on any of the links or anything.